Foodies Red Blend NV (That’s “Non Vintage” you ignorant wretch)

fooodies

Bought this wine for less than 10 bucks at Cost Plus. I am pleasantly surprised, much like the name implies this is a wine to serve with food. It’s simple fruit forward style and pleasing acidity will pair with anything you just want a “Red” wine for, a true steak to pizza red. But, this wine goes a little deeper than that, like a particularly promiscuous member of whatever gender you like to sex, this wine wants to get intimate with your mouth. And it’s willing to go the extra mile to get there.

Right up front, the nose greets you like a Barry White tune, all dark chocolate and ripe berries, with an earthy musk that aches of bad decisions gone right.

First impression on the palate is like a Jolly Rancher candy, bright fruits and lively acidity get you interested. This wine doesn’t need a second chance to make a first impression. It’s charms are on display like it’s wearing tight linen pants.

The initial sex appeal is just the beginning. I told you this wine was willing to go the extra mile. The mid palate on this tramp is dense and concentrated, it’s like reading poetry naked, if that poem consisted of jammy plum flavors and voluptuous tannins…just enough to fill out its jeans and no muffin top.

The finish leaves you wistful, but not disappointed. You’ll be aware of it on the pillow of your palate long after it’s made you coffee, breakfast and called a cab.

Recommended pairings:

Pizza
Pasta with Red Sauce
Grilled Cheese
Grilled Mushrooms
Cheese Burger
Ennui

http://www.foodieswines.com/

The truth about children

There’s one thing NOBODY tells you about children, and it’s hit me like a ton of bricks this week. My wife went away for the weekend on a camping trip with her girlfriends and has a two day business trip mid week. That’s 5 days of just me, alone with the kids. The thing nobody tells you about small children is…THEY’RE BORING AS HELL.

When you’re about to have kids everybody tells you about the horror stories, the lack of sleep, the excretory nightmares, the tantrums, and the messes. Then they tell you about the precious memories, the cuddles, the tea parties, the silly things they say, the triumphs and the unconditional love. They conveniently leave out everything else and that everything is generally boring.

Seriously, once you get past the cute, small children bring very little to the table in terms of social interaction. They’re terrible conversationalists, they repeat the same stories ad-nauseum, yet they never seem to tire of them. Their utter lack of anything resembling empathy will have them happily insisting that you read the same book over and over, long past the point when a non-sadist would tire of the defeated look in your eyes.

The people who design children’s board games should be shot. Candyland is a pointless exercise in frustration and futility, likewise Chutes’n’Ladders seems calculated to drive an adult brain to implosion with it’s arbitrariness. They’re built entirely on chance, with no thought to strategy or entertainment, it’s just spin the spinner and see what crappy pointless move your annoyingly cheerful game piece must take next. It’s like slot machines without the alcohol and an unwritten rule that you have to be happy about the success of your fellow players at the expense of your own.

I love my kids, we have lots of adventures together and I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything. But, the rest is boring.

Went to the hospital…stuff happened

Tuesday afternoon (today is Thursday) I started to feel like shit. I was running a small fever and my gut hurt, most of the pain was in the lower right hand side of my abdomen. Felt a little nauseous, but never puked.

Tuesday night, I couldn’t sleep at all, I had fever chills and felt like I had a gut full of broken glass. The next morning I called my Dr. I get an appointment for 3 pm. Spend the rest of the day alternating between being curled up in the fetal position with pain and feeling not too bad.

Get to the Dr. office, his PA takes my temp (99.7) and asks where the pain is, I show her, she presses on my abdomen and I jump like she’s stabbed me with a hot knife. She gets this weird look on her face and says she’s going to call an ambulance, because she thinks my appendix is either about to burst or already has. I say “Fuck that”, the hospital is 2 blocks away, I’ll just drive myself. She starts in on how she doesn’t think that’s a good idea. But at this point I’m already heading for the door.

I get to the ER (the PA called ahead) and they’re waiting for me. They slap me on a gurney, hook me up to an iv and hit me with some Staydol (the world’s shittiest opoid pain reliever, seriously I’d have rather had tylenol). Dr orders a CT scan and they rush me down for the scan.

After the scan they rush me to another room and start blasting me with consent forms for surgery and shit. I’m freaking out and trying to get somebody to bring me my clothes so I can get my cell phone and call my wife. I tell em I ain’t signing shit till they let me call. Then they leave, and they leave me lying in that room alone for about an hour. I’m thinking “Fuck, they’re gonna let me die because I was a pain in the ass about the phone”

After about an hour the ER doctor comes in and I swear it’s like he’s trying not to smile. He say’s “The CT scan was negative, it’s not your appendix, I want to try something”. He grabs my legs behind my knees and pulls em up to my chest…and I farted, for like 45 seconds straight with no breaks, just a continuous blast. Sounded like somebody was ripping about twenty yards of fabric.

Dr tells me I probably got some kind of minor gut bug (explains the fever) and gas that got trapped and caused the pain. He was laughing when he filled out my discharge paperwork.