The truth about children

There’s one thing NOBODY tells you about children, and it’s hit me like a ton of bricks this week. My wife went away for the weekend on a camping trip with her girlfriends and has a two day business trip mid week. That’s 5 days of just me, alone with the kids. The thing nobody tells you about small children is…THEY’RE BORING AS HELL.

When you’re about to have kids everybody tells you about the horror stories, the lack of sleep, the excretory nightmares, the tantrums, and the messes. Then they tell you about the precious memories, the cuddles, the tea parties, the silly things they say, the triumphs and the unconditional love. They conveniently leave out everything else and that everything is generally boring.

Seriously, once you get past the cute, small children bring very little to the table in terms of social interaction. They’re terrible conversationalists, they repeat the same stories ad-nauseum, yet they never seem to tire of them. Their utter lack of anything resembling empathy will have them happily insisting that you read the same book over and over, long past the point when a non-sadist would tire of the defeated look in your eyes.

The people who design children’s board games should be shot. Candyland is a pointless exercise in frustration and futility, likewise Chutes’n’Ladders seems calculated to drive an adult brain to implosion with it’s arbitrariness. They’re built entirely on chance, with no thought to strategy or entertainment, it’s just spin the spinner and see what crappy pointless move your annoyingly cheerful game piece must take next. It’s like slot machines without the alcohol and an unwritten rule that you have to be happy about the success of your fellow players at the expense of your own.

I love my kids, we have lots of adventures together and I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything. But, the rest is boring.